Dialogue 1.
Dialogue 1.
What masochism means, to me.
Content warnings:
Discussion of S&M (sadism and masochism), brief discussion of sexual desires as a form of self-hatred, mildly sexual teasing.
This is a "blog post" presented in a visual novel style.
Use Spacebar, Enter, Right Arrow, Down Arrow or Left Click to advance the text.
Use Backspace, Escape, Left Arrow, Up Arrow or Right Click to rewind the text.
Rewinding can be a little glitchy. A transcript of the text is below.
Aria: Hello, I'm Aria. This is the first entry in my little blog.... of sorts.
I wanted to write a post about some stuff I've been thinking about lately....
I decided instead of a normal article, I would use this conversational visual-novel format.
Do you know why?
Kity: It's so we can tease her when she says something embarrassing.
Aria: That's right! Everything is better if a cute girl teases you while you're doing it.
Kat: And we can pet your head if you say something good.
Pat pat. ♥
Aria: Noooo, you can't pet meee.... I don't wanna animate that.
Kity: Aria is so cute. Pat pat. ^_^
Aria: Noooooo. I'll just make your sprites slide towards me a little.
Anyways, today I want to talk about what "masochism" really means.
Most people have probably heard of it, and they think it means you enjoy pain, or have a sexual fetish for pain, or something along those lines.
Kity: I mean, nobody "enjoys pain" indiscriminately, right?
Even the most hardcore masochist probably only wants to experience pain in certain contexts that appeal to them.
Aria: Yeah. But even if you say a masochist "sometimes enjoys pain in the right contexts", I don't think that tells the whole story.
Because I think the masochist carves out these contexts for herself.
Kat: Perhaps by fantasizing about hot girls punching her repeatedly. ♥
Aria: Err.... hehe. Well, that's not a bad example.
A masochist is someone who takes experiences that are painful, uncomfortable or humiliating, and recontextualizes those experiences, so that they feel good instead.
That's my definition. Well, but I only came up with it a few days ago.
Kity: Did you have another definition before that?
Aria: Hmmm, I guess it was like what I said before. A person who "sometimes enjoys pain".
But this leaves "why" and "when" and "how" they enjoy pain as something completely mysterious.
By viewing it as a process of recontextualizing negative experiences, I think I can understand it a little better.
Kat: I wonder if it makes sense for sadism as well. Like, I'm obviously not a person who likes to hurt others and see them suffer.
But if I take a cruel act like that, and twist it around so that it's a way to make my friend happy, it's suddenly appealing.
Seeing your pained face becomes cute, because I know you're having fun. And the sensation of hitting you becomes intimate, instead of an expression of anger.
Aria: Hehe. Uh, so in case you don't know this, Kat and Kity are characters from a game I made called "Two girls punch me repeatedly".
Kat: That's right. We're fictional characters who were born to punch you ♥
Kity: You really wanted to be punched that badly, huh? Hee hee.
Aria: Waaoo....
So, I feel like up until I made that game, I fundamentally misunderstood sadism.
When I was younger, I basically thought that "sadists" simply enjoy hurting people, and use S&M relationships as an excuse to do it legally.
Kat: W-wow! Geez.
Aria: I mean, maybe there are some abusive people who are really like that. But I don't think it's the norm.
Nonetheless, even as I got older and my views became more nuanced, I think that skewed assumption still influenced me.
It became like, well, there are sadists who are good trustworthy people, because they only enjoy hurting others when it's consensual.
Kity: I see. So you still thought that it was fundamentally about hurting people.
Aria: I think it was the process of writing that punching game that helped me truly see it as a form of kindness for the first time.
The appeal isn't that you can hurt someone and get away with it. It's only enjoyable if you aren't actually hurting them at all.
And that comes back to this idea of recontextualization.
In "Two girls punch me repeatedly", the sadists and the masochist have mutually recontextualized a violent experience as something like a playful game between friends.
Being physically assaulted by two people would usually be terrifying. But if we care about each other and trust each other, trying to endure their strikes becomes fun.
Kity: I don't think it'd be fun at all to hit you if you got genuinely distraught.
But when you take it and give me back an awkward, pained smile, it's really cute. ^_^
Aria: In this framework of recontextualization, I think it's easier to understand my desires.
Kat: So, tell us why you want girls to punch you then.
Aria: I think it comes down to the idea of asking someone who's close to you to inflict pain on you.
Most people wouldn't agree to that, right? You wouldn't want to hurt someone you care about.
But if they do agree, it must mean they understand and trust you deeply.
Not only that, but you just made yourself vulnerable by revealing that you're interested in something that falls outside of societal norms.
If they acknowledge your vulnerability and accept that side of you.... well, something like that would make me really happy.
Kity: You've recontextualized pain for yourself as a way for people to express that they accept you.
Aria: Yeah. The fact that it's punching is almost just an aesthetic choice.
In real life, I've actually only been hit with things like whips and paddles before.
I was curious about how being hit with a bare fist would feel, and I kept thinking about it.... a lot.... hehe.
But the point was really to present a scenario where my partners understand my feelings, and are happy to fulfill them.
Kat: I was a pretty lonely person until I met Kity, so I think I get it.
It's almost more of a romantic fantasy. You want a partner that loves you and accepts all your flaws and idiosyncrasies.
But if you wrote a story about us holding hands and kissing, or even being sexually intimate in a "normal" way, there would be something left unsaid.
Aria: I think this is the "normal" way to me. No offense, but if you don't want to be beaten up even a little, I just dooon't get it.
Kity: Yeah, it doesn't make sense. Hee hee.
Kat: There's no accounting for taste. Hehe. ♥
Aria: When I was younger, like when I was going through puberty and I hated myself, it was a little different.
I don't want to get into it too much, but I recontextualized pain as intensely sexual.
But not like, a fun sexy kind of way? I sexualized pain and suffering because I couldn't envision myself deserving anything other than cruelty in a sexual context.
I guess as I started to like myself, it turned into something more gentle.
In terms of physical pain, it's almost not even sexual to me anymore. I don't actually get that turned on by it.
Kity: Oh, really? I get turned on by it. ^_^
Kat: Me too. I love watching you writhe around. ♥
Aria: A-ah... hehe.
I think depending on how intense it is, pain can be like a fun challenge to try to overcome, or it can be a bit relaxing.
I find it actually reduces my stress, and I like that the feelings linger, like how your butt hurts when you sit down for the next day or two.
But usually being hit isn't especially sexy for me, even if the person hitting me is sexy. I get turned on more by psychological things.
Kat: Dang. I guess I need to become even more sexy....
Kity: Nah, I think you just need be a little meaner when you tease her. Hee hee.
Aria: So, I actually had another interesting realization when I started to think about masochism in this way.
I think that I also approach art and creative work through this lens of recontextualizing unpleasant experiences.
For example, as a game designer, I see a lot of people who call certain mechanics or ideas "bad game design", and argue for their removal from games.
I get kind of mad when people do this.
I've long held the philosophy that "bad design" is just design that needs a different context, or in some cases, just a different mindset from the player.
I love when games take things that people generally dislike, and place them in a new context where they tickle your brain in a fun way.
But now, I wonder if I feel so strongly about this subject just because I'm a masochist girl. Hehe.
Kity: When talking about hard video games, sometimes people will say things like, "only a masochist would enjoy this"....
Kat: And there's even something called "masocore" games, but I don't really know what that means.
Aria: I used to scoff when people compared playing a video game to masochism, but there might be some truth to it.
Certainly, without the intense physicality, it's lacking something.
And I think just because a game is difficult to complete doesn't mean it's for masochists.
But there are certain kinds of hard games that push people's buttons a little and ask them to do absurd things.
Rewiring your brain so that it finds that sort of thing fun.... is that a form of masochism?
I thought that making games for masochists would mean making narrative games that talk about the feelings and sensations involved.
And I think that's important, but I'm also thinking about the mechanical side now too.... wow.
Kat: You look a little overwhelmed. Pat pat. ♥
Kity: Pat pat pat. ^_^
Aria: Waaaauu.... yeah, I have a lot of thoughts and worries in my head.
I'm still unsure if it was a good decision to start publicly talking about this kind of stuff.
But together, with the fictional characters I created to be nice to me, I'll make it through.
Kat: We'll support each other. ♥
Kity: I'll share all your blog posts around so you get really popular.
Kat: I'll tell all my friends, family members, and work colleagues about your game.
Aria: Nooooooooo. That's too scary....
Well, I think I'm out of things to talk about for now.
Thank you for reading. I hope we'll see you again soon.
Kity: Aria likes a lot of weird things, so who knows what she'll be doing in her next game.
Kat: Ooh, I can't wait to see. Aria, what are we doing next time?
Aria: Ha ha.... I'm not sure yet.
Please be patient, okay? Goodbye for now.
The End
The gentle sound of the aria fades from the evening sky.
Maybe you'll still be here next time I feel like singing.
Comments
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Oh my gosh, this is hecking rad!! I love the format, the interplay between the characters, your insight into S&M and yourself, your take on game dev, and especially I love your definition of masochism…. Wow, a lot for me to think about here!
I hope you keep enjoying making these wonderful games and that you keep making them! 🐈✨
I got there completely by accident, but i really like your storytelling and your humor. Even though this theme seems not interesting for me at all, i finished this game and read everything and actually had fun, thanks!
I'm not sure if this is on-topic or not, but maybe you will find it interesting (I hope!). Because I've myself thought of games in a sense of domination/submission for a long time now.
Basically I think the view of games that a majority of games players and games discoursers have is one where the player is to always take a dominant role (might be misleading to call it 'sadistic'...) and this is assumed to be the only form of game design to strive for. So any game that challenges this dichotomy by wasting their time or misleading them or such is considered 'flawed'.
And a lot of people who think like that would question why I like games that do waste my time, that mess with me or make me go through repetitive or annoying sections. And I think the answer is the same as "real" (person-to-person) masochism - it's all to do with trust. A game asks me to do something and I trust it to let me feel annoyance or tedium or whatever, because we have that kind of relationship. I go through the tedious part happily because of this. I guess you can apply that to any art that asks you to go through traditionally "negative" emotions, but of course games are more intimate since you are a participant.
This might be the core of the entire way I think about games - I've summed it up with "gamers need to be more willing to let the game be the dominant one in the relationship" before - but it's hard to get people to understand that I'm not talking about 'difficulty'. My favorite games aren't even hard at all, they just ask you to trust them and not give up when they put something that *seems* ridiculous in front of you. They *want* you to succeed, and you always will if you keep playing because you allow them to make you do these ridiculous things. That's very different than a normal kind of hard game where you're expected to defeat it through your own skill and power, which often does end up empowering yourself over the game by the end of it (I just realized I always like the early parts of these games, where youre getting easily beat up, more than the later parts...).
As for myself, I don't have vivid fantasies at all, but I can see the masochism in me. Sometimes it's kind of messy and unhealthy in my mind, but maybe in an ideal world I could understand it better.
Oopsie, I typed so much. I hope what I said doesn't come off badly.
It doesn't come off badly at all, I'm really happy to get interesting comments like this!
Thinking about it more, I think some players do expect games to "serve" them, by providing them with a certain kind of "fun", and get frustrated or bored when their expectations aren't met. On the other hand, some players go into games with minimal preconceived notions, and let the game guide them and shape their expectations as they play.
These loosely correspond to dominant and submissive roles, but actually, it also reminded me of something interesting. I remember seeing a pro-domme complain about submissive clients who approach her with really hyper-specific expectations for a scene, or sometimes even a script, and get disappointed when it doesn't live up to their fantasies!
So I think people can have either one of these mindsets in different contexts, regardless of whether they tend more towards being dominant or submissive. I myself have probably approached some games with that "dominant" mindset, especially when I've heard a lot about them before playing. But I definitely really like to let games surprise me and twist my expectations, and I like designing that kind of game as well.
This also makes me think of the discourse around playing rereleases of older games that have emulator-style features like savestates and rewind. Is it a submissive act to ignore these modern conveniences and play those old games on their own terms? I definitely don't think it's wrong to use these features, but I've noticed some people get a bit of an attitude about it, like "I paid for the game, so I'm entitled to see all the content". What if I don't want to show you all my levels and bosses?! I'm too shy >_<
I think I'm rambling and running out of things to say now, but I want to thank you again for leaving such a thoughtful comment!